Yesterday I broke down at work....

Straight to the point title because yes. Usually it's MENTAL breakdown but this time, I broke down for real. Not in front of the kiddos or my colleagues, but while they were sleeping and busy typing away on their portfolios.

Just another day of feeling like a complete failure - am I fit to be the kiddos teacher? am i even qualified to teach these children? am i providing a safe and secure place for them to nurture in? am i still lacking experiences in certain situations?

Looking back at myself this year, I've changed a lot compared to last year. My attendance is bad, I fell ill too many times, took urgent leave because of family and personal matters. I procrastinated a lot. I spent more time doing and designing lesson preps instead of prioritising the important matters. Attended various courses this year to upskill myself but I didn't have the opportunity to utilise what I've learnt.

Some days I snapped at my kiddos, then apologised and hugged them afterwards. Some days I blanked out in the classroom while watching them doing the activities. Some days I feel misunderstood, feel like I've been put in a compromising or unfair situation. Some days I told myself I can do it and it'll all be over soon. Some days I wish someone would ask me if I'm okay, some days I just needed a hug from my kiddos.

But most days I wish my kiddos deserved a better teacher than me - someone who's very patient and kind. Someone who is very passionate about their job as a teacher. Someone who's willing to nurture them. Sometimes I don't know how my kiddos can still express their love for me when I'm angry at them. But all I know is that I love them so much and with the remaining time we have left, I would love to make memorable moments and teach them as much as I can.

But all these things aside, everything is overwhelming right now. I don't know who to turn to seek for help. I don't have anyone to vent to. I feel so alone here every single day. Sitting at my own quiet corner in the dark. I guess I've been trying to keep it together and it ended up making me feel frustrated to the point I had a breakdown.