November 2022 draft

(this was typed last year, things might've change)

If anyone ever ask me "how's life?", i definitely do not know how to respond to that.

I came across a facebook post and it makes sense to my current situation now.

"Your family doesn't know how much difficulties and pressure you go through in your daily life, and your job doesn't know the circumstances of your life and your home. Your friends and loved ones will not understand the size of the new and old responsibilities that are above you. In conclusion, no one feels about you but yourself. No matter what, keep going. You know yourself better."

Months ago, I went out for a picnic/ meet-up with my spiritual friends. You see, they are the ones I have grown close and attached to throughout my polytechnic life. 5 years later and we are still going strong. Each time I spent with them, I gained new spiritual knowledge and because of them, I wish to become a better person in both deen and dunya. Because there are five of us and we only met 2-3 times a year, it makes sense that I suggested an idea to make a powerpoint slides to give life updates since the last we met was back in April. Each of them have either an exciting news or an announcement.

Friend #1 - she recently got engaged in July, and she's getting married in December on New Years Eve!

Friend #2 - currently taking practical for her bike licence. Announced that she recently broke up with her boyfriend of almost 3 years (the next day was supposed to be their 3rd anniversary)

Friend #3 - always the one providing us with spiritual knowledge, she's also in the midst of wanting to legally change her name.

Friend #4 - admired her self-care routine. She brought herself out alone to de-stress. She also mentioned that she found out her crush of 3 years is actually engaged.

Then there's me... krik krik krik... life is always boring to me because there's no change. My life is an open book - you see me once, you can tell what kind of a person I am.

1. Work - its inevitable by now that everyone knows my job is bad for my physical and mental health. The number of times the management took advantage of my kindness and screw me over is more than enough reason for me to quit.

2. Mental Health - still same and consistent. Not diagnosed because my shrink have faith in me and strongly believes that I have good self-control from wanting to un-alive myself. It's just that when times get tough, I really needed a professional to listen to me.

3. Family - it's pretty clear and obvious that I have a strained relationship with my family members. Yes, all of them. Maybe the cons of being the youngest in the family with a big age difference gap. Can't click with them, they get sensitive and emotional easily, I have to be the one to apologise.

4. Friendship - meh

5. Love - ew? me, capable of love? impossible. after last year's hoe season and getting ghosted by different guys i just gave up finding one. who needs love when you have money right? who needs love when you have your students at work to shower you with hugs and kisses right?

I know on my previous post, i mentioned about my bestie and her boyfriend setting me up with his best friend. Everything went well at first, but someway along the way, things happened. Drama broke out, tensions formed, whatever. I cannot say much but now it's just... dead? Everyone moved on, everyone got their closure. At the end of the day, to me, it's just another life lesson for me (and also to add on to why I cannot have m*n in my life). Benda semua berlaku, mesti ada hikmahnya.

-------- this post was written around mid september --------

<updates as of October 2022>

I'm at the point in life where I can't seem to know what's going on now. I don't know if I'm getting better or getting worse each day. I don't know if I'm happy or sad or angry or stressed. I don't know what to do, what to say or what to feel anymore. I'm just gonna 'i don't know' everything, even my own feelings.

Just know that each time i addressed something that bothers me, I become the problem :)

I feel like the hardest part of going through multiple trust issues and trauma is never being able to tell people the full extent of what happened because nobody wants to know the full details if any. Because of that, we are left with secrets and scars forever, and no one truly knows the full extent of how we're badly hurt. We don't want to make people upset or angry but at the same time, we desperately need someone to really understand. It's a really lonely place to be....

It's unfair of people to expect me to handle the full range of their emotions and sensitivity when they refuse to hold any capacity for mine. People that does this are usually unfamiliar with emotional availability.

Part of me feels sad because it's over and I don't want to lose them. But then again, what am I losing exactly? They're out of my life now so less anxiety. forme since they constantly made me question my worth with how they're treating me. What else? Comparing myself less to everyone else they speak to. Less worrying about if this friendship will last because they never put in as much effort as me. Remember when I realised that and cried for hours? Yeah, me too.

<updates as of 1st November 2022>

Took me THIS long to update huh?